Teddy Mather is soft on terrorism.

Okay, even for the Internet, this is pretty dumb. The National Parks Conservation Association wants to make a point about, I believe, our National Parks. They don't think their issues are being addressed.

So they're running a guy in a bear costume for President. Ha! You tried to fool me, NPCA, but after careful study, I can confidently state: this is NOT a real bear!


There's a video, too, but it's too lame for me to post here. I guess I DO have standards. Huh.

Oh, and they've named the bear "Teddy Mather." A bear named TEDDY? Outrageous!

If I end up voting for a bear, it will be this one:


This is my kind of candidate. He has what it takes.

"People were screaming at him, the horn was going off, but he was completely unaware. He did what he wanted to do, and the people didn't matter."

The bear remained inside the 1964 Buick Skylark for about 20 minutes and at times put his paws on the dash as if he were holding on for a ride, Patterson said.

Well, of COURSE he did whatever he wanted. Do you want a bear-president who makes decisions based on the polls, or do you want a bear-president who knows how to stay the course?

If it were up to probable communist and UNMARRIED bear Teddy "The Weakling" Mather, we'd all be sharing our grubs and blackberries with Al-Qaeda -- instead of kicking ass in the greater Tahoe area, and eventually the world.

Teddy Mather: bad video, bad for America.

But what if I'm scared of becoming bored?

Today's Halloween. So here's a great article about fear, how we react to it, and why being scared can make you awesome.

Psychologists say that watching scary movies is a way of testing and overcoming our limitations, similar to bungee jumping and other extreme sports.

BOO!

Yeah, you're welcome.

"There's a substantial overlap between those brain areas involved in processing fear and pleasure," said Allan Kalueff, a neuroscientist at the University of Tampere in Finland.

Hot! I mean . . . scary!

You can watch this 10 times in a minute!

Seriously. Play it enough and your mood will improve.



Gorgeous.

Zorionak!

Well, the World Championships of Surf Kayaking are over. Looks like they were held in Spain's Basque region. Let's see what they're saying about it.

Argazki asko eta onak ikusi ditugu Bakio-Mundakako munduko txapelketan. Saioak ikusgarriak izan dira eta, zorionez, argazkilariak on-onak. Oraindik ere gehiago erakutsiko dizkizuegu. Oraingoz, hona hemen bost ederrenak.

Man. Sounds exciting. And confusing! Are there pictures?


Nice. Surf kayaking looks like a lot of fun.

And what's this? I think I see some English a bit down the page.

These finals have left four new world champions: Rusty Sage (USA) in open short, Leonard Kelleher (Ireland) in open long, Sean Morley (USA) in master short and Buck Johnson in master long. The list is complemented by the winners of the finals from last Friday afternoon: Tracy Sherrington (Scotland) in women long, Valerie Bertrand (Canada) in women short, Chris Hobson (North Ireland) in junior long, David Speller (Jersey) junior short, Ross Fulcher (USA) grand master long and Kevin Quinn (North Ireland) grand masters short. As we say in basque languague, Zorionak!!

Newsworthy! I like how Jersey counts as its own country.

Also, for the rest of the day, I'm asking everyone at work to call me "Grand Master Long."

Count Sexula has the right idea.

I want to highlight one of the hottest outdoor sports around: cardboard tube fighting.

Anyone who has a brother or sister is, no doubt, an expert at this sport already.

If ballroom dancing is an Olympic sport, then I want to see pictures like this from the 2012 Olympics:


The entire article is worth reading, but I enjoyed this part:

"I'm here to beat the cardboard hell out of young children," said Sol Vazquez, a 29-year-old businessman from San Bruno dressed as "Count Sexula." His armor included a velvet cape, satin rose necklace, mixed martial arts gloves, afro wig and an intimidating plastic crotch cup.

Cardboard tubes are even more fun than bubble wrap. There, I said it.

I must find a "Juvenile Sasquatch" costume today.

Or, I guess, tomorrow. As long as it's in time for Halloween.

It's furry and walks on all fours. Beyond that, about the only thing certain about the critter photographed by a hunter's camera is that some people have gotten the notion it could be a Sasquatch, or bigfoot. Others say it's just a bear with a bad skin infection.

Nope. Can't be. "Bear with a bad skin infection" is a terrible Halloween costume.

'We couldn't figure out what they were,' Jacobs said of the images captured on Sept. 16. 'I've been hunting for years and I've never seen anything like this.'

He contacted the Bigfoot Research Organization, which pursues reports of a legendary two-legged creature that some people believe lives in parts of the U.S. and Canada.

'It appears to be a primate-like animal. In my opinion, it appears to be a juvenile Sasquatch,' said Paul Majeta of the bigfoot group.

Yes! Preach it, Majeta! Who, I ask, is better qualified to make this call than a card-carrying member of the B.R.O.? You? Don't make me laugh.

Okay, fine, big shot:


Textbook bigfootery. You owe the entire B.R.O. a "Bro, I'm sorry, bro" card. Make sure to sign it in blood -- otherwise the apology won't look heartfelt.

Friday random video: smooth skating?

When somebody attempts a jump like this, they're either gonna make it look easy or make it look REALLY ugly.

I wonder how this guy handles it.



Have a good weekend, internet.

Because I have no footage of me crashing a bike.

I went backpacking with a friend in September, and he sent me his photos recently. Here's a shot from the North Cascades, on the Lookout Mountain trail.


The next morning it was raining, and you couldn't see 50 yards beyond this spot. (That didn't stop us from taking more photos, though.)

This trip pretty much wrapped up the summer for me -- when we descended back into civilization, it felt like fall. And I felt pretty fortunate.

(Back later with video footage of a guy getting hit in the crotch with a kayak paddle or something. I know why you're here.)

A good title is, like, good.

I really, really like the title of this video.



That is all.

One of her grandkids is named Mad Max.

Hey, you know what's badass?

Grandmothers who compete in BMX races are badass.

A heavy crash during the final day of the NSW State BMX Titles at Coffs Harbour has denied Buxton grandmother Irene Markee, 56, a NSW BMX title.

Man, she was riding hard enough to suffer a "heavy crash"? That's badass!

"I don't recall too much of the incident, only the fact that I was leading heading into the opening corner before contact was made and from there I don't remember anything," Markee said.

Markee later added, "Any smart-mouthed bloggers who are tempted to make cracks about memory loss and old people will suffer my wrath. I'm badass!"

The Macarthur BMX Club member is sidelined until she recovers from the injuries she sustained during her fall and will miss the Blue Mountains Open.

"There isn't a whole lot of damage, only a few bumps and bruises, but I'm taking the next month off as a precautionary measure as the crash really knocked me about," she said.

With her recent form giving her a confidence boost, she plans to compete in next year's Australian titles in South Australia.

I wish there was one word that could really sum up this story. That would be neat.

"Uni" means "one," "cycle" means "crazy mofo."

Dude, two wheels and a pair of handlebars is PLAYED OUT. Right, extreme unicyclist Kris Holm?



Personally, I think this video is more enjoyable with the sound turned down. But I guess unicyclists are so busy partying with all their unigroupies,* they don't have time to find good music.

(Via The Goat.)

*The only reason dudes get into unicycling in the first place. Massive chick points. Same with Frisbee.

Quickly, to the U.N. weather machine!

Well, those wildfires in Southern California have caused more than one billion dollars worth of damage so far. High winds are whipping up more flames than we can hold back. I wonder what the President has to say about it.

"I wish we could control the wind," Bush said.

Um . . . yeah. I never thought I'd have turn to Schwarzenegger for a coherent statement.

You know what? I'm not going to. Let's check out the photos:


Wow. I hope everyone ends up okay -- as opposed to homeless or, you know, dead -- but that's a pretty awesome photo. I think fire is the most photogenic of natural disasters.

(And yes, I am the guy at the campsite who will stare at the campfire for hours on end. I cannot help it. Leave me alone. That big log in the middle is about to go.)

Let's try to get a bit more perspective:


This one's from space. It's not as flashy as that first photo, but I think the impact is greater. It gives you a look at how many different spots are burning, and how strong those Santa Ana winds can be.

Until we learn to control them, of course. Maybe if we all wish really hard . . .

Dammit, Slater, they were THIS close!

We already know that deer are the single biggest threat to outdoors-loving Americans.

But can you name the single biggest threat to peace in the Middle East?


That's right: pro surfers.

Kelly Slater was detained in Jerusalem early Saturday after getting into a scuffle with paparazzi who were trying to snap a shot of him and model Bar Rafaeli as they left a hotel.

Hey, what was Kelly Slater doing in Jerusalem anyway?

Slater was visiting Israel for the first time to promote the group “Surfing for Peace.”

Ah. Okay. This story already came with a punchline. That's cool -- I have a lot of other work to do.

Nice pic-a-nic basket. Be a shame if anything happened to it.

Well, it's finally happening. Bears are starting to copy the mafia's protection rackets. This is what happens when you don't even need HBO to watch The Sopranos.

RENO -- Dozens of residents at Lake Tahoe have been making backcountry food drops in an effort to help hungry black bears, and Nevada and California wildlife officials are unhappy about it.

People feeding bears is always a recipe for more trouble down the road. But if you owned a cabin in the Tahoe area, it could make sense to pay the bears off. Keeps 'em out of the neighborhood.

Also, if you own a cabin in the Tahoe area, I will never feel sorry for you. Bears could kidnap your children, ransoming them for a metric ton of delicious grubs, and I would laugh as you frantically searched E-bay and nearby rotting tree stumps. Have a good bug-hunt, yuppie!

The feeding effort comes amid a record number of bear complaints around Lake Tahoe this year, when a drought has drastically reduced their natural fare of berries and nuts. State wildlife officials say feeding bears could make them more closely associate humans with food, but bear advocates say the recent food drops have led to a sharp drop in home break-ins in some areas.

I wonder what kind of food they're leaving for the bears. They'd better start off simple, because each year you gotta up the ante. By 2010 the bears will be demanding bucketfuls of organic risotto and free-range beef, with some mixed greens on the side.

And the Tahoe yuppies will have no choice. Pay off the bear syndicate or deal with this guy busting into your cabin:

Badda bing, my friends. Badda bing.

Friday random video: the seal dribble!

Check out this Brazilian soccer player, Kerlon. He's figured out how to channel the grace and athletic prowess of nature's goal-scoring machine: the seal.



Pretty innovative. The only way opponents have been able to stop this move is to foul Kerlon. Usually by smacking him in the face.

Hey, I think David Beckham should try this move!

And yes, soccer counts as an "outdoors" activity for the purposes of this blog. Baseball, however, will not. Quite the paradox.

Insane in Spain.

Check out this drop onto a flight of freakin' stairs!



I like mountain biking, but I will never attempt a drop like this. Not on purpose, anyway.

Save the humans.

Hey, today's Blog Action Day! (Which makes yesterday Blog Action Eve -- so next Oct. 15 I'm throwing a party.)

So what's the B.A.D. deal?

On October 15th, bloggers around the web will unite to put a single important issue on everyone’s mind - the environment. Every blogger will post about the environment in their own way and relating to their own topic. Our aim is to get everyone talking towards a better future.

That's all well and good. But I want to point out that when we talk about a "better future" for the environment, we need to remember that our planet's future is plenty bright -- in the long-term, geologic sense. It's the people who DEPEND on the Earth who are facing serious problems.

And last time I checked, that's every single one of us.

The Adventure Junkie put it just right today:

It's important that we put aside these petty differences and work to become better stewards of the environment as a whole. You'll hear people saying that if we don't we'll destroy the planet. But those people are wrong. The planet has been through a lot worse things than what we're doing to it. What we're doing is not destroying the planet. Instead we're destroying ourselves.

One of my favorite things about getting way out into the backcountry is how damn humbling it is. The incredible scope and resilience of nature will always put you in your place. It reminds you that our species is so much more fragile than our planet. No matter how badly we screw things up, the Earth will recover even if we don't.

Is it wrong to find that reassuring?

Please, Oscar, do not test positive for anything.

Well, Floyd Landis had to surrender his Tour de France title because he cheated. Allegedly. (His parents still don't believe he's guilty, which I think is sweet. My parents better have my back when the feds come after me.)

So . . . who won the 2006 Tour de France? This guy:


Look how, um, happy he is?

If I were Spain's Oscar Pereiro, not only would I be able to spell my last name without triple-checking, I'd also be a little pissed off. It's nice to win the Tour, but being handed the winner's jersey 14 months after the fact just ain't the same. Is it, Oscar?

"These emotions, it is impossible to feel them in a ceremony like this one, which is organized so that everyone understands and sees that Oscar Pereiro is the winner of the Tour," the Caisse d'Epargne rider said. "The moment I received the profit of my work, I had mixed feelings, something between satisfaction and regret for what we were deprived of."

Yes, satisfaction and regret. Meanwhile, here's what a REAL winner's ceremony looks like:


That's Floyd Landis, sandwiched between a pair of ladies who are probably not named Satisfaction and Regret. In Paris. Fresh off his Tour "win."

Yeah, Oscar Pererioierereo eventually wound up with the shirt off of Floyd's back. But it's easy to see that he can't really capture the thrill of being named a champion, within sight of the Arc de Triomphe, as the whole cycling world watches him bask in his reward. Instead, he gets a press conference.

I think that's a shame. I hope he wins another Tour. And I hope they include four ladies in the ceremony.

Do not be fooled by their vacant stares.

I want to take a moment to address the single greatest threat to outdoors-loving Americans:
That's right, deer. Especially horny deer.

BALL GROUND, Ga. -- A man who kept deer on his property was killed when one gored him with its antlers, authorities said.

The deer was one of several Frix kept. His relatives told sheriff's deputies the deer had recently been acting very aggressive, probably due to rut -- the period when deer mate.

Well, that's life in Ball Ground, I guess. But let's try to remain calm here. After all, it's an isolated --

Deer kill about 150 people a year in the Unites States. But most of those deaths happen when deer are involved in collisions with automobiles.

OH MY GOD! CRAZY RUTTING DEER ARE TRYING TO BRING OUR COUNTRY DOWN FROM WITHIN! THE CHILDREN -- WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!!?!

I think before we address lesser threats (such as, say, Iran) something should be done about the deer. For now, remain especially vigilant: the rut is on, and the gloves are coming off.

A family member later shot and killed the deer.

It's a start.

Friday's dumb video: Bam hotdogs

It's Friday, so here's some footage of Bam Margera skating in a hotdog costume.



Have a good weekend, Internet.

It's gotta be some kind of record.

In light of the recent record-breaking speed achieved on a mountain bike, here's a little reminder that things don't always go as planned. This guy was trying to break the same record:



Ouch. His entire bike broke in two. I hope he's claiming the record for "Fastest Crash" or "Longest Crash" or "Highest Speed Achieved on a Bike That Honestly Could Be a Little Sturdier, Considering the High Probability of Mountain Bikers Encountering Rocks as They Speed Down the Face of a Volcano" or something.

I'm guessing the new record-holder also saw this footage and decided that snow is probably the best surface to work with.

Oh, and the speed record this unfortunate biker was trying to break? IT WAS HIS OWN RECORD. A sure way to anger the mountain bike gods and the volcano gods alike.

Item # 3,914 on the list of hiking essentials.

There are a few things I always bring along on hikes: water, matches, a jacket. But man, if current trends continue, the REI catalogue is gonna start looking really weird.

MOUNT BALDY VILLAGE (AP) — A sword-wielding hiker nearly severed the arm of another man during a confrontation on a mountain trail, authorities said Monday.

Ah yes, the trusty ol' hiking sword. He probably keeps it in his garage, next to his kayaking grenades.

Three men set off Sunday to meet a friend along the trail when an argument escalated and one of the hikers started swinging a baseball bat and another pulled out a large sword, investigators said.

“Evidently, he always goes hiking with a sword,” Barker said Monday.

Did these guys get lost on their way to a rumble, or is there a dragon in Southern California that needs slaying? Because I don't understand why you'd lug this stuff up and down a trail.

There can be only one.

So British newspapers are calling this petty criminal "The BMX Bandit." He mugged some kid. Got away on a bike.

However, regular readers of this blog know that niche has already been filled. We call him "The X-Games Bandit."

Also, we refer to "chips" as "fries."

Try again, you alarmist limey muckrakers!